In my mind, I surrendered my sexual being to men that craved my submission and my body. Men that wanted total control and power over my thoughts and actions, giving me a sense of freedom and completion that had never before available to me. What I felt and what I saw in these images spilled out, filling page upon page. Then in a flash it was gone. All of it. There were no more words, no more images, no more dark thoughts of love and lust and the ultimate Domination. I had been a part of something special. I had come into my own. I had found where I belonged. I had sat in the middle of a garden of decadence and splendor. And then I lost my way. Stepped off the path for a brief moment and all was quiet. All the voices inside my head had ceased to exist and I had fallen. My broken and battered spirit carried me to the corner where I now reside. I beat myself this time. Whipped and scarred…so much blood pouring from my wounds and mingling with my tears. I was bound, not by nylon and. They ignore me and I ignore them. My older brothers tell me I'm an embarrassment to the family and won't talk to me or be seen with me. Same with my father. My mother goes out in public with me only when she has to. I'm allowed to come and go as I see fit. They wouldn't care if I never came home again." Why are you here today?" Because I don't wanna die a virgin." You probably won't die for a very long time, Mishy. What makes you think you'd die a virgin?" Cuz I'm gonna kill myself." When?"Mishy shrugged. "I don't have a date set yet. I'll know when it's time." How?" Dave asked."Cuz I'll have accomplished all the things on my list of things to do before I die." What's on the list?" Have sex, graduate high school with a four point oh GPA, better than either of my brothers did. Have a baby. Make a good home made apple pie. Play Cello at Radio City Music Hall." I thought you hated playing the Cello?" I just told my Mom that to upset her. They forced me to take Cello lessons and they.
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